Breaking news:

Ernie Els, runner-up in the British Open Golf Championship, has decided to form an employment agency hiring out bouncers, farmers and park attendants in a bid to curb trouble, whether it be on the pavement or a spongy hillock. His co-investors include contemporary French composer Sofi Naff, Independent journalist Deborah Orr and revolutionary composer Karl Orff. Naff Orff Orr Els will be in your high street soon, serving the community.

p.s.-on the subject of golf, why is it that most golf caddies look like they've just attended a Black Lace gig? Are white shell suits and peroxide mullets some sort of compulsory dress code or something?

Hole-in-one. Hoss.