Breaking news:

Football academics have recently teamed up with genetic scientists in a bid to clone the complete footballer. They intend to combine the DNA of Irish goalie Shay Given, Portuguese keeper Quim Volga and Dutch striker Ruud van Nistelrooy in order to create a player combining all the best attributes of defence and attack. Experts anticipate that within twenty years or so Shay van Quim will be turning out for Bald Pussy Reserves with a view to a lucrative move to Hollywood Utd (having snubbed the Brazilians).

Hoss