So, the front cover of the Observer magazine recently ran with the caption "WHY ITS COOL TO VOTE TORY AGAIN". Hello? Okay, so I know that Dave "Boy" Cameron has reinvented the Tories a wee bit by replacing his chimney with a wind turbine and cycling around Clapham Common endorsing his "hug-a-homo" campaign but come on! Or am I getting this completely wrong? And the next time I take a saunter down the South Bank I'll witness the spectacle of Gyles Brandreth mixing it with the kidz 'n the 'hood decked out in a pair of River Island boxer shorts and half-inched Nikes performing amazing stunts on a skateboard whilst tokin' on a blifter the size of an autobahn windsock?

p.s.-my latest idea for an extra source of income is to open a store which sells rice. And only rice. All varieties. I'd call it "RICE'N'EASY" and I'd take out a box ad in the local paper carrying the slogans "For Your Rice Only", "we can't be beaten on rice" and "RICE'N'EASY. Does It Every Time". And punters would come into the shop and approach me at the counter and they'd say "Are you closed?" and I would reply "No, we're open". And this would happen so often that I'd be compelled to make a flippable placard for the door with "Yes, we are closed" on one side and "No, we're open" on the other, just to nip any ambiguity in the bud there and then.

Hoss. King of Rice.

p.p.s.-Hercule Poirot. In all the years I've watched this geezer he's never failed to solve a case. Not once has he missed the target. On no occasion has the bulbous Belgian put his saucisson in the wrong cassoulet. You could say his record was nigh on flawless. So why oh why do people think it's a good idea to bump someone off with Poirot lurking about? You'd have thought they'd arrange that trip down the Nile at a slightly different time.