Here are some ideas for TV programme formats which I've sent to the BBC commissioning editor. Some of you will recognise one or two old favourites which have been revamped to give them a better chance second time around. Here goes:

1. Bill Oddie's How To Watch Porn. Top tips from the bearded one as he nestles down with a six-pack and a bag of twiglets in front of the gogglebox to catch up on some hardcore.

2. Bargain Cunt. Perma-tanned ex-con David Dickinson gives two couples £100 to spend on antique female genitalia at a boot fair with a view to making a tidy profit at auction the following week.

3. Pro-Celebrity Boxing. Catchweight contest. Paul Daniels (lightweight) versus Mike Tyson (heavyweight).

4. Lust. Plane crash survivors engage in sordid orgy whilst marooned on an atoll.

5. Ready Steady Wank. Two blokes spend no more than a fiver on jazz mags before teaming up with a pair of celebrity chefs. They then have a maximum of twenty minutes to knock one out. Whoever comes first wins a red tomato.

6. I'm a TWAT. Get Me A Pair Of Homicidal Maniacs To Blow My Head Off. Reality TV game show in which ten blokes get put inside a chicken run (the smaller the better). Then two gun-totin' psychos (easily recruited from any U.S. high school or college) are each presented with a fully loaded AK47 assault rifle and told to fire at the contestants from a distance of no more than two yards. Caged celebs to consist of Jeremy Clarkson, Nicholas van Hoogstraten, Alan Sugar, Dennis Wise, Nick Ferrari, Gordon Ramsay, Richard Littlejohn, Simon Cowell, Kelvin McKensie and Duncan Bannatyne.

7. Pro-Celebrity Chess. The Boris Karloff Handicap Challenge. Gary Kasparov (king and two pawns) versus Britney Spears (full set plus two extra queens).

8. Cuntdown. A pensioner and a student are blindfolded and lay prostrate on the studio floor as Carol Vorderman and Susie Dent take it in turns to sit on their faces. But which one is Carol?

9. Bollyoaks. Teen drama set in Mumbai.

10. Grind Force. Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock surprise a particular spouse by giving their other half a good seeing to over a period of three days.

11. You Are What You Look Like In The Mirror But The Other Way Round. Dr Gillian McKeith states the bleeding obvious.

12. Pro-Celebrity Wrestling. Heavyweight contest. Giant Haystacks versus Robbie Coltrane.

13. The Celebrity Squares. Sitcom about three really dull entertainers in the guise of Lester, Russell and Barclay Square.

14. Freaky Nutters. Magazine programme looking at members of the public with strange habits. Such as the housewife from Chester who can only make love whilst performing star jumps on a trampoline and the Swansea couple who like to dress up as kangaroos and shadow box in branches of WHSmith whilst reciting Chaucer.

15. Top-Box Tony. Follow the adventures of keen motorcyclist Tony Tarantino as each week he whips out a couple of objects from his Honda Goldwing top-box and wreaks havoc on the local community.

Episode 1: 30ft ladder and a cat.

Episode 2: Life-size statue of Bernard Matthews and a turkey twizzler.

Episode 3: Pair of lime green crotchless knickers and a banana.

Episode 4: Radical cleric and a Flymo.

Every one a ratings winner, I'm sure you'll agree. Hoss.