At last! The Hoss has broadband! Which means that after a six month hiatus I will be able to bombard you all again with my tasteful brand of family humour. This will no doubt delight all of you who find me hilarious but go down like Harold Shipman at a Help The Aged rally for those who don't. In fact, it's been a good week all round, what with Liverpool getting to the final of the Champions League for the second time in three years and news from New Zealand that an octopus can now remove bottle tops by twisting them with its tentacles. Clever octopus. Infinity. That's the number you get when you divide Liverpool's European Cup Final appearances (seven) with those of Chelsea (sweet F.A.) Hoss.

p.s.-hey Martin, I forgot to tell you that immediately after our gig at The Grey Lady your wife approached me with a very peculiar question. Rather than something along the lines of "how did you think that went?" she said "tell me Ollie, what exactly is felching?" Instead of reacting as if she had just sprouted antlers I studiously replied "well now Mandy, there's two schools of thought on that one. One involves a straw, the other a spoon..." Having ascertained that it would have to be a pretty small spoon she then asked me if I knew what "fletching" was. At the time I was unable to enlighten her. But I'm now convinced that "fletching" is simply "felching" for dyslexics. Maybe you can pass on this information the next time you're both enjoying a Sunday roast.

p.p.s.- my latest idea for an extra source of income is to set up a company called EQCI. This would stand for Effigy Quality Control International. I feel forced to pursue this line of business having witnessed the appallingly unfamiliar effigy of Richard Gere being tossed about in Delhi after the actor molested Shilpa Shetty in public. A big no-no in Indian culture, whereas child abuse, under-age pre-arranged marriage, and an overtly racist caste system are deemed to be perfectly acceptable. The head of this particular effigy was just a grey leg warmer stuffed with newspaper. You could have given me 10,000 attempts and I still wouldn't have twigged who it was. Now, if only the creator had had the nous to scribble a hamster's head on the butt-hole region everyone would have known immediately it was meant to be Gere. Although one or two people may have opted for Ted Heath.

Thought of the Day: Bridge Clubs. Card shark venues? Or speed-dating outlets for the over 70s? Hey Barn. You and I need to start shuffling those decks.

Hoss.