Hoss will be away from his Hammond organ until May 18th. If you need to get hold of him urgently you can get in touch with his stable-hand Des or storm the Muswell Hill Darby and Joan Club where Hoss will be attending an organ convention hosted by erstwhile Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan under the banner of Morgan's Organs:Hammond Tomato Sandwich.

p.s-hey Quentin, how did it go with that client who was coming on to you at work? You know, the one with the "ex-husband" who "winked" at you before requesting that you "fix" her computer "at home"? Did you comply and sort out her mother (bored) syndrome with a mega-bite on her neck before giving her PCI slot a good old RAM with your hard drive?

Hoss.

p.p.s.-hey Adam, I reckon you've hooked up with the wrong German bird in Sylvie and should have opted for Patch's ex Eva. Adam 'n' Eva. It has a familiar ring to it, don't you think? Just don't nibble that apple.

p.p.p.s-sad news this week with the passing away of iconic fashion stylist Isabella Blow. In her obituary in The Independent former Tatler editor Emma Soames declared "it was a great sadness that she never had a child". In fact, I would go one step further than that. I think it was a great shame that she never conceived a love child with Apple chief executive Steve Jobs in a Swallow Hotel with Elvis Costello performing "Pump It Up" at the foot of the bed, followed by a medley of hard rock favourites such as AC/DC's "Let's Get It Up" and Whitesnake's "Slide It In". Isabella. You blew it baby. Rest in peace.

And finally, news in the past couple of days that Blackpool legend Jimmy Armfield is recovering from throat cancer after a bout of chemotherapy. And on page 12 of yesterday's Independent? An article revealing the connection between throat cancer and oral sex. Is it possible that the former right back turned commentator wasn't just useful with his head in the penalty box but with a different sort of box altogether?

Hoss.