So, as we approach the millionth word in the English language I've come up with half a dozen new ones of my own. It would be greatly appreciated if you could all pop them into conversation as much as possible over the next few months and with a bit of luck one or more of them will gain entry into the next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. Six words, six definitions, and six examples of how they might be used.

1. Tub-epilate.

Verb to describe the removal of hair from a bath's plughole.

GIRLFRIEND TO BOYFRIEND; "Bloody Hell. It took ten whole minutes for the bath water to escape because someone couldn't be arsed to tub-epilate. Typical."

2. Tricyclops.

Mythical three-eyed monster located somewhere near St. Albans.

"Beware the ire of the tricyclops as, should thou be part of a trio in retreat of the beast and go thy separate ways he shall be able to keep an eye on you all."

3. Buglefruit.

A homosexual trumpet player.

JEAN-MICHEL JARRE TO SOUND ENGINEER; "Merde!! That buglefruit's solo is so shit hot I'm getting the French horn. Those quavers coming out of his bell-end are making my bell-end quaver. If he carries on like this I'm going to have to start playing my non-Hammond organ."

4. Glambuoyant.

Being waxed up to the max whilst levitating.

THE SETTING; a Tibetan monastery somewhere in the Himalayas.

TOURIST TO COLLEAGUE; "Wow! That floating Tibetan monk looks like David Bowie!"

COLLEAGUE; "Wizard! That dude is seriously glambuoyant!"

5. Anti-sneeze.

That moment when you realise you're not going to sneeze after all.

VETERINARY SURGEON TO COW; "Now open wide and say 'Moo' or there will be no way of...ah...ah....ah......ah........no. Sorry Ermintrude. Bit of an anti-sneeze there."

6. Bobbletwat.

The latest example of vaginal topiary to hit the fashion scene.

THE SETTING; Clacton Beach.

ICE CREAM VENDOR; "Hello Mrs Fotherington. And what flavour Magnum would you like to.......... Jesus! Is that a tennis ball in your bikini? Have those pesky kids been mucking about again?"

MRS FOTHERINGTON; "No. It's my bobbletwat. Its all the rage these days. Now give me my ice lolly and go and get your own."

Hoss