Religious figures. Not exactly renowned for their sense of humour are they? In a bid to get these dull-as-ditchwater deities to lighten up a wee bit I've come up with some nicknames so that the next time they're out on the tiles their mates will have a quicker and more affectionate way in which to address their pious pals. Here goes:
Pope "Eggs" Benedict
Archbishop Rowan "Down The River" Williams
Cardinal "Tomatoan" Basil "Vac" Hume "Pact Soup"
Bishop Desmond "Too-wit" Tutu
Cardinal Carlo Maria "Vodka" Martini
Mahareshi Yogi (aka "The Bear")
Pope John Paul "George and Ringo" II
Cardinal Gaudencio Borbon "Creams" Rosales
"Bloob" L. Ron Hubbard
L. "Ton Wellesby" Ron Hubbard
L. "Da-do-ron" Ron Hubbard
L. "Orgasmat" Ron Hubbard
L. "Complete Mor" Ron Hubbard
L. Ron "Old Mother" Hubbard
As you can see, chubby con artist and Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard has more than one entry, which I thought befitted a self-deluded charlatan who declared at an author's convention in 1950 that "the best way to make a million dollars is by inventing a new religion". Maybe "Enron Hubbard" would have been a more suitable title. I was desperate to include a muslim cleric or two as receiving death threats from the likes of Tom Cruise is akin to being pelted with confetti whereas the crowning glory of my literary career would be a nice big juicy "fatwa". But somehow ayatollahs "O.A." Sistani and "Football's Coming" Khomeini didn't quite do it for me. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a mate regarding Khomeini's witch hunt of smug git Salman Rushdie when he said "you know he's the geezer who came up with "naughty but nice" for cream cakes" and I refused to believe him until I realised he was referring to Rushdie, not the theocratic catweazle lookalike.
p.s.- apparently when the friends of Finsbury Park mosquovite Abu Hamza go to visit him in jail they greet him with chants of "Del Boy" cos he's "hooky".
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