So, the headline news during the past week? No, not the ongoing instances of genocide in parts of Africa and the Middle East but the delayed return of the space shuttle due to a bit of rain. So, in accordance with such prioritising I've decided to reveal some of the more astonishing events in my life during the past week. Here goes.

Thursday 1.16pm: Went to Sainsbury's to purchase some provisions. Spent five minutes longer in supermarket than intended and missed the first five minutes of Neighbours thereby rendering the plot completely meaningless. Faxed Bloomberg's head office with necessary information.

Friday 11.33pm: Suddenly felt quite tired and sleepy. Brushed my teeth and went to bed. Sent text message to Radio Five Live to inform them of my actions before retiring.

Saturday 8.43am: Heard a meow from the kitchen whilst watching a replay of the test card. Turned out to be my cat "Bouncy" in a state of despair. Opened tin of Mr Dog and emptied contents into catbowl. Purring ensued. Danger averted. Called the Cones Hotline.

Sunday 1.07pm: With four and a half hours having lapsed since breakfast, I concluded I was hungry. Prepared food. Ate meal. Contacted the Penge Gazette immediately.

Monday 11.26pm: Demolished a Babycham whilst indulging in a Juliet Bravo double bill on UK Gold. Went to bed without brushing my teeth. Flabbergasted that such a crazy hiccup in my daily routine did not appear on the scrolling banner on BBC News 24.

Tuesday 9.51am: Decided to wash some clothes (including delicates) after witnessing "cloudy but dry" weather report. Later downpour delayed hanging out to dry by approximately forty minutes. Reuters not interested.

Wednesday 4.17pm: Observed on Ceefax travel section that 2.46 train from London Paddington to Bristol Parkway delayed by twelve minutes. E-mailed colleague in room below to express my disbelief. Reply simply said "You having me on?"

So there we have it. Obviously the move up in gear in the war between a bunch of Christian and Islamic fundamentalist lunatics is dull and unimportant compared to a tardy shuttle landing due to a bit of dodgy weather. Furthermore, why take the craft outside the ozone layer just to conduct a bit of maintenance? Next time I need to change the spark plugs on m'wheels maybe I should drive down to Penzance prior to doing so.

Hoss

p.s.-just heard on the radio that the WWF have announced that there has been a two degree rise in the average mean temperature for the South East of the UK over the past thirty years, having a serious affect on fauna and flora. Since when have American wrestlers been experts on European weather patterns?