Jim Kerr, lead singer of 80's pop outfit Simple Minds has just set up a dating agency to provide future brides with their ideal husbands.
His co-investors include former Welsh rugby player Mark Ring, West Indian wicketkeeper Carlton Baugh and Star Trek actor Garrett Wang.
So for all you girls out there who are totally fed up with dating irresponsible louts, Kerr may have established the answer to your prayers in finding a well-heeled mate. Male applicants for the agency must all be accountants who live in Balham, drive a black 5-series BMW, own a Playstation, think Coldplay are "awesome" and list Top Gear, Ski Sunday and Scrapheap Challenge as their favourite TV programmes.
The Baugh Ring Wang Kerr agency will provide you with the perfect mate, even if he may turn out to be about as interesting as watching a two hour video of someone yawning at the bottom of a stagnant pond.
p.s.-Hey Clint, I've taken pragmatic steps here to avoid making this appear in any way personal. Being aware that you are a Coldplay-loving accountant I decided to include Balham as the place of residence. Reason being that when I asked a work colleague to tell me the part of London they most associated with middle class mummy-boys they instantly said "Chiswick". If this has made you paranoid regarding your clean cut image as an upstanding pillar of the community, why not:
1.
Put a sign outside your house which says "I don't live here".
2.
Inject yourself with Domestos.
3.
Hold up the local Spar with a sawn-off cucumber.
4.
Become a football mascot. (full time)
5.
Get lost in Hampton Court Maze and hack your way out with a blunt scythe.
6.
Replace your canary with a 25ft boa constrictor.
7.
Take a joy ride in a Robin Reliant (with fins) and when the cops turn up at the crash site take the front wheel hostage with your cucumber.
8.
Infiltrate Chiswick Christian Society and cause chaos.
9.
Light a couple of farts in front of your mum-in-law.
10.
Buy a dozen rottweilers, starve them for three months, then let them loose in Legoland.
11.
Get Rhonda to lift up the flap as you take a dump through the next door neighbour's letterbox.
12.
Tattoo the letter "B" onto each buttock so that when you bend over it spells the name of your brother-in-law.
13.
Take a big draw on a spliff containing copious amounts of nutmeg.
14.
Remove your head with an electric bread knife and send it to the queen (registered post).
15.
Strip naked (save truss and corset) and play "Twister" with a baboon.
p.p.s.-is Formula One the dullest sport on the planet? Or is it just crap? Hoss.
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