So, it looks like 57 year old prison officer/canoeist John Darwin and his wife Anne were trying to pull a fast one with a life insurance fraud. It also appears they may well be candidates for the Most Useless Criminal Of The Year award. With reference to their particular case here are some handy Do's and Don'ts in the pursuit of being a top crim.

1. Don't announce yourself as a missing person suffering from amnesia looking tanned, relaxed and well groomed. It's more usual for such characters to look as if  they've spent the last five years sleeping under a hedge. A bit like how Darwin looked whilst being arrested a few days later.

2. Don't suddenly emigrate to an exotic hotspot without telling friends, neighbours and relatives, as Anne Darwin did. It's a bit more Costa del Crime than Sol.

3. Don't apply for a new credit card using the same name as a corpse floating in the North Sea. Especially if you use his address as well. This is what first alerted police to the idea that Darwin's canoeing accident could be a bit fishy. Presumably, the telephone conversation regarding the application went something like this:

DEAD MAN: Hello. I'd like to apply for a new credit card.

TELEPHONIST: Certainly sir. Could I have your name and address please?

DEAD MAN: Of course. John Darwin, 3, The Cliff, Seaton Carew, Hartlepool.

TELEPHONIST: Okay. I'm just putting those details into the computer now. Should be able to... hello ...bit of a discrepancy here. Apparently you died five and a half years ago.

DEAD MAN: Will that affect my credit limit in any way?

TELEPHONIST: I'm calling the police.

4. Don't get yourself photographed for a holiday home website when you're meant to be dead. Could arouse suspicion.

5. If you're a grieving confused widow don't express "delight" at the news that your carrion-infested husband may actually be alive. A bit of shock and bewilderment is probably more in vogue.

6. Do use some imagination in coming up with a false name. I dunno, something like Gav Smorgasbord or Kenny Flotsam. To come up with John Jones is just pathetic. On arrival in Panama Darwin kept it even simpler. One Panamanian resident recalls how she was introduced to Darwin by his wife. Apparently it went something like this:

MRS DARWIN: I'd like you to meet my new friend.

RESIDENT: And you are Mr......?

CANOEIST: Er........John.

RESIDENT: And your first name is?

CANOEIST: Er........John.

RESIDENT: So you're John John then?

CANOEIST: Yes. Well it worked for Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

So there we have it. Some top tips for all those seeking a life of crime.

Hoss.

p.s.-is it just me or does artist Tracey Emin always look like she's trying to extract a bit of pork from her back teeth?