So, congratulations must go to Australia's new Prime Minister Kevin Rudd for ousting gun-totin' fruitcake John Howard in the Oz election. Apparently Rudd was languishing in the polls until news of two events made his popularity shoot through the stratosphere. The first was being spotted in a New York strip joint so plastered he was unable to remember it. The second was appearing on YouTube eating his own earwax. Perhaps our own beleaguered PM can learn a trick or two here. Maybe he should take a trip to the Pink Pussycat in Soho, get blitzed on crystal meth, defecate on a lap dancer and use his new cigar to pull off a convincing impression of Jimmy Saville? How's about that then?

I was recently asked if I have a problem with drugs. I replied "Yes. You can never find any decent gear when you really fancy it". But seriously, I wonder if the approach of Tunbridge Wells council to combat the problem is a touch naive. Draped from one of the buildings in the market square is a giant tarpaulin which reads: "RAT ON A RAT. CRIMESTOPPERS; DRUG DEALERS AREN'T LABELLED. TELL US WHO THEY ARE". On the left hand side is a huge sketch of a badly drawn rat. Methinks the council are being a bit too polite. Personally I would have gone for a drawing of a couple of turds with the slogan "SHIT ON A SHIT". Or, maybe with a view to tackling any indifference on the subject how about "SHIT ON A SHIT YOU LAZY SHIT" with a third turd reclining on a sun lounger with a pina colada and Purple Haze blasting out of a 1000 megawatt sound system?

p.s.-my latest idea for an extra source of income is to set up a social networking site called Arsebook. Photos of faces would be outlawed in favour of a gallery of backsides. Members would type in their arseword to log on, as it were, and try to accumulate as many bumchums as poss. Witty comments would be posted on the buttcheek page and the Big Yellow Jaxi award would go to the monthly winner of The Most Jaundiced Arse competition. I think I could be on to a winner here. Let me know what you think.

Log out. Hoss.