So, it transpires that the McCanns have been using the Madeleine fund to pay off their mortgage. Their spokesman Clarence Mitchell has insisted that this is an integral part of the search for their missing daughter. Yes. That makes sense. A bit like me going down the pub and sinking twenty pints to aid the "war on terror". But the most annoying aspect is the way the McCanns continue to receive any coverage at all. This plummeted to a new surreal depth this morning. Whilst Iraq burns, oil approaches $100 a barrel and the neo-cons plan on nuking Iran the headline on BBC News at 9am was "GERRY McCANN RETURNS TO WORK". I am trying to imagine the high octane buzz in the air as newspaper editors around the country screamed "HEY! There's a new twist in the Maddy story. Gerry's going back to work. Get me a crew and a couple of choppers ASAP to Glenfield Hospital. This could be MASSIVE." What next? Maybe tomorrow we'll learn the colour of Gerry's socks. Or Kate's favourite brand of washing powder. They could have their own TV series. At Home With The McCanns? Not expansive enough. Let's scrap all TV scheduling and have Everywhere With The McCanns on all channels. We could put a videocam on Kate's shoulder and watch as she schmoozes round Sainsbury's. And each time she pops an item into her trolley it would appear on the scrolling banner of brand new satellite station McCannews 24. Let's get Gerry on Desert Island Discs so we can empathise when John Waites' "Missing You" fills the airwaves. We could then applaud his sense of irony as The Ukulele Orchestra churn out the theme from "Home Alone" live in the studio. Of course, if the child hadn't been a little blond girl but a black boy with bags of bling the coverage would have been a mere short paragraph on page 16 of The Independent. And had the story involved a single mum from a run-down estate in Romford no doubt serious charges of negligence would have been levelled against someone who saw no problem in leaving three children under the age of four unattended in a foreign environment. But no, the McCanns are white, married, middle class professionals. Hence they must be innocent of all crimes and deserve the deluge of sympathy showered upon them by Branson and all those other morons. Well, Gerry and Kate, I've got good news for you. For the price of ten Euros I can bring your daughter back. All I need to do is go back six months in time and spend said amount on one of the many babysitters provided by the resort. Looks like that extra bottle of wine you quaffed with your little saving could turn out to be the most expensive you've ever had.

Hoss.