So, follically challenged hypnotist Paul McKenna's new book is called "I can make you rich". Can you Paul? Can you really? In the same way that you reversed our ongoing trend for a chubbier nation with your "Easy Weight Loss" publication? I recently saw his smug face on Breakfast News where he was asked if the book was just his latest attempt to make more dosh and he replied "Well, I don't need the cash, but I like rich people and I want more of us to be around". Groovy. So how are you going to achieve this Paul? By giving chunks of your £20 million fortune away to unsuspecting members of the public? Or by stating the bleeding obvious? That by providing a product which people either want or need one can turn a profit? Brilliant. I think most of us worked that one out when we were six. There you go. It took you a whole book to explain what I achieved in one sentence. Maybe you should drop all this hubristic stuff and enlighten us with a new book entitled "Easy Hair Loss" instead. Bingo.

Modern art. I ask you. There I was in Tate Modern. Browsing. (Fat chance) Wondering if the plethora of German students were merely using the premesis as some sort of speed-dating outlet . There were loads of them and they didn't seem to pay much attention to the nonsense displayed on the walls. Instead they tried in vain for an instant shag whilst I was still trying to get my head round some crap called "Mystic Transportation" which merely looked like a collection of black bow ties. Where's the "mystic" in that? And there were numerous pieces called "Untitled". How difficult can it be to give a name to something you've created? Unless you're a pretentious band from Iceland? One such painting was by Joan Mitchell. She should stick to the singing I reckon. And then I encountered a piece entitled "Serving Suggestion". A sausage in a tin. A hot dog nudging its head out of a tin can. But this American guy was miffed that the sossie was not bobbing up and down. Apparently the mechanism had broken down and he was well brassed off. Well, live with it mate. These things happen. You can't expect a sausage to pogo in slo-mo 24/7. It needs a bit of a breather. Let it rest. You can always take the "toob" to another gallery if you so desire. That said, I share your general disappointment. Tate Modern? More like Shite Modern.

p.s.-lead singer of The Gossip is a certain Beth Ditto. Is this a stage name? And is her real name Elizabeth Elizabeth?

Question: What did Homer Simpson say when he walked into the kitchen and saw Marge making bread? (scroll down for the answer)

Dough!

Hoss.