Breaking news:After much tabloid speculation Radio One superstar DJ Pete Tong has admitted to having had plastic surgery but refused to say on which part of his anatomy the operation took place. However, he states that he now wishes to be known as Pete Dong and his new album DON'T DISS THE DONG:12" REFIX will be released shortly. He added that his two favourite films of all time were Battle of the Bulge and Die Hard before gingerly leaving the press conference in a rather laboured fashion with his legs a good metre or so apart.

p.s.-according to Johnny Cash's widow her late husband spent most of the last five years of his life in their loft conversion writing his autobiography. Available soon in all good bookshops entitled Cash In The Attic.

p.p.s.-all those times in the past when I've watched an episode of Quincy MD I've been befuddled. Each week the suave coroner with the beige jacket has had to try and persuade his boss that it wasn't natural causes but an act of foul play. And every time his boss has said "Hey Quince, you're wrong on this one, why not let it rest?" And yet, every fucking time ol' Quincy gets it spot on. You would have thought that by episode five (at the latest) his boss would be saying "well Quince, I gotta hand it to you. I'm a fuckwit. These deaths are obviously well dodgy. I shudder to think how many murderers are still out there due to me preventing you from doing your job. To think that I didn't believe that something was slightly amiss when you showed me that headless corpse. I assumed that the victim's head had fallen off after hearing a very funny gag. Now we know that it was the handiwork of The Guillotine Maniac. Maybe I could make it up to you with a romantic dinner for two at Fred's Diner near the disused oil refinery? What do you say?

Quince. The ball is in your court. Hoss.

My latest idea for an extra source of income is to open a cafe and call it "Nuffin' but Muffins". Punters would come in for a muffin and a chat. And occasionally someone would say "And could I have a latte with my muffin?" and I would say "Look. We're not called "Nuffin' but Muffins" for nothing. If you want a cuppa with your bun you can skedaddle down to Cuppa Chinos on the high street and leave me to ply my unique trade in peace." And the customer would reply with "Only testing. That was the response I was looking for. I've spent my entire life seeking muffin outlets which catered solely for muffin-only clients. I've waited twenty years for an establishment such as this." And I would feel a great sense of pride. And my eyes would well up. A tear would roll down my cheek. And I'd mop up the mess with the last mouthful of muffin left on their plate with the words: "George Best. He only played football".

Hoss.