On 2nd March 2005 Hoss received this e-mail:

I selected you, the recipients of this email, based on what I thought the chances were that you like Van Morrison. In other words, pure guesswork and a little mindless optimism. He's playing on May 19th, Thursday, Shepherds Bush Empire, stalls £32.50. Almost rip-off I know but he might be fantastic. I'm going to buy tickets soon. Let me know if you want to come.

Adam.

Hoss replied:

Yo Adam.

The last time Van Morrison was "fantastic" was the last time he was sober, around March 1971. If I want to see a bald, bloated Irishman sing half an octave out of tune before falling over like a bag o' spuds I'll just visit any pub in Cricklewood at around ten o'clock on a Saturday night and it won't cost me £32.50.

p.s.-my latest idea for an extra source of income is to take over The Chafford Arms when Barry retires in May. I'd change the name of the pub to "Fart In A Spacesuit" and make enough money to manage other alehouses in the area, all under the same name. The pub sign would be classy, an exquisite oil painting of an astronaut on the moon with bubbles emanating from its arse. The chain would be so successful that, for example, Sian Williams on Breakfast News would turn to Declan Curry at the London Stock Exchange and say "so Declan, who are the major movers and shakers this week?" and Curry would reply "well Sian, Fart In A Spacesuit up 72 pence on last week. An astronomical rise. Good news for the punters who got wind of that one".