I've recently encountered an ongoing experience in my bank which at first caught me off guard but I now react to with a certain panache. It is the art of the bank teller attempting to engage in chummy conversation with me when all I want to do is complete my transaction as quickly as possible. This is obviously the brainchild of some self-deluded think tank which thought it would "lighten the mood" in an establishment oozing with the sort of aesthetics you'd associate with the local morgue. So the next time you find yourself in a similar situation why not react in a Hoss-style fashion? The first response listed below has unisex quality as when spoken by a male will unsettle the cashier due to the fact that the money market is one of the last bastions of rampant homophobia and when dictated by a female will cause a ruffle as women are not expected to talk openly about their sexploits but stick to more conventional fare such as needlepoint, baby food and episodes of "Friends". I can promise you that these questions put to me were absolutely genuine. It's just my replies which have been embellished a little. Just a wee bit. Here goes.

1. Bank Clerk: And how are you today sir?

Hoss: Knackered. And sore. I've just had my arse violently pumped by my boyfriend Keith in the nearby cemetery. Ouch. It makes me wince just thinking about it. If you're wondering why my eyes are watering it's not due to the death of a pet but because my dralon is as red as a raw rib-eye steak. Scaramouche. Can you do the fandango?

2. Bank Clerk: Enjoying a day off sir?

Hoss: Day off? No days off in the taxidermy trade I can tell you.* I've got a particularly awkward moose to stuff tonight and to make an already tricky task even trickier my Superhoov 6000 has packed up so I'm gonna have to remove the innards by hand. On top of that the client has insisted that the finished article must reflect the beast's sense of humour which means pinning back the lips to give it a smile as wide as Ainsley Harriot's. Still, at least the manual giblet extraction will provide me with the opportunity to sharpen my ventriloquism skills. Gottle o' gilk?

*At this point check out the puzzled expression on the clerk's face. This is either because: a)They don't know what taxidermy is or b)they now wish they'd ignored the customer relations incentive forced upon them by pompous higher management.

3. Bank Clerk: Any plans for the weekend sir?

Hoss: Indeed. I've managed to locate some German lunatic via the internet who shares my interests and with the help of a cheese wire and some superglue we intend to exchange limbs. I'm looking forward to slipping someone else's pins into my wellington boots. Maybe we'll swap heads too. But not if he's got a moustache. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wandering about looking like Tom Selleck.

Hoss.