Hey Tom,

Now that you've just become a father for the fourth time can we assume that you're not getting a huge amount of dick action at the moment? Well I have a solution to this problem which is really very simple. Next time you're on set with Trinny and Susannah why not suggest a "reverse roast"? That's the one with our happy-go-lucky makeover twins each donning an ebony black 10" ribbed dildo and yourself "gimped up to the max" (fishnets, Hannibal Lector Mask, cheesegrater  codpiece, rose sellotaped to scrotum) before collapsing on all fours and enjoying the complete deep throat/depth charge experience. Worth a shot.

Furthermore, why not get a little bit "foxy" with them and exploit their status as proud members of the Countryside Alliance by slipping on a pair of Basil Brush glove puppets and shoving your paw up one of their arses with a loud, strangulated "Boom". Hence, should you do them both in quick succession one would hear the customary "Boom Boom" catchphrase most closely associated with our fuzzy friend from prime time Saturday Night TV. What d'ya think? Give it a go and indulge in some extra-marital hard core action.

Hoss.

p.s.-By the way, when you're filming porn do you go:

"hey baby that's fantastic that's beautiful just hold it there hold it there ooh you're teasing me you're teasing me c'mon baby ooh c'mon ooh just a little bit further just push it a bit further ooh go deeper baby deeper hey that's fantastic just superb don't move baby don't move  baby just a little bit wider a bit wider hey babe that's fantastic  hold it hold it  wow that's beautiful hey c'mon c'mon hey babe just shove it up there a bit further just a little bit further don't tease me please hey that's beautiful that's gorgeous that's a beaut  just a little bit wider a bit wider c'mon baby keep those curtains open the show aint over yet not until the fat lady sings and she aint even waiting in the wings aaarrgghh I've just shot m'load"

Or is that the Director's job? ols. Rock on.